“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
You Might Also Like
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Love it! 👍😂
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
pictures of spider-man
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.