Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
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Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.