ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
You Might Also Like
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
mentally somewhere in italy
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”