Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
⛄️
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist