pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
very niche meme I made
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!