All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
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Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*