I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
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I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.