Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
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just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid