Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
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to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Meth is short for Elizameth.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
True
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you