something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
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her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I’m being attacked 😭
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.