we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
*lint rolls you awake*
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer