What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.