too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[on my way back to the posting caves]
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I’M CRYINGGG
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*