*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
You Might Also Like
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Is this you?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
How can I say no to this ?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear