“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
You Might Also Like
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I WON A HAM TODAY
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword