I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.