In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
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When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Very problematic
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
😎 🍻
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.