Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
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*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
it’s finally my moment to shine
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single