Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say