If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
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[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one