A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
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Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Word!
Hey man, best wishes. And I鈥檓 not just saying that because I鈥檇 be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don鈥檛 care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I鈥檓 sending a pizza down to check it out.
I think I鈥檓 finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt鈥檚 so hard to meet people these days
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don鈥檛 understand but it sounds amazing.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
馃槀
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don鈥檛 have any money
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Me: I鈥檒l have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven鈥檛 eaten it yet
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.