[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
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I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
wish me luck lads
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.