“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Damn he played himself
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!