Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
You Might Also Like
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.