HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
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The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
She: I like Cats
He:
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.