Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
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me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers