Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
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Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?