Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
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When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Mornin
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I am HOWLING at this
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.