Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Duck typos.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.