“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
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Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
You are what you delete.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.