BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
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If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s