[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
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i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’