Horrifying if literal: armchairs
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The cake is mightier than the sword.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
how high up are we talkin’?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
oh my god
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.