TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
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Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
The 4 stages of a family vacation
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts