It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Introverted vegans go meetless
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself