Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
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“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Breaking news:
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*