You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
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“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Mornin. * use accordingly
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
lmfao
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him