Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
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Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya