I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
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When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Not today.. 😂
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it