[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
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Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
What
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?