I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
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This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.