[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
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March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Who needs an Air Fryer?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.