inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
couldn’t resist
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I have written yet another poem about laundry
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
White parent Vs Arab parents
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good