Ape together strong
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The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience