You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
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boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Rambo Rambow
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO