Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*