me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
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The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My plans: 2020:
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.