Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”