Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.