advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
You Might Also Like
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end